Holiday family time can be a true blessing, but I have also seen plenty of “family time” go south fast. I am betting that every single person who is reading this has some fond memories and one or two that stand out as “trying to forget.”  I know I do…

In my 25 years of working in senior living, I have witnessed both older adults behaving badly as well as grown kids behaving badly. We all head into the holidays with high hopes so what happens? With the holidays (however known) only weeks away, I thought I would share some of my observations. Take what you like and leave the rest but take to heart anything that might help ensure a peaceful gathering for you and yours.

First, try and remember that if you’re spending time with the family over the holidays, be grateful. Many people don’t have family and the holidays can be difficult. Stay focused on the precious time you have together. Your parents won’t be there forever….and the time you have with adult kids and grandkids should build fond memories.  Choose to overlook the annoying habits, or even thoughtless words. Plan activities that work for everyone when you can. And my best advice, give each other space and let family members do things that perhaps you can’t do because of health or mobility issues…without guilt tripping anyone! You might just agree as a family to avoid discussing politics, because even if you do agree, it brings up strong opinions and as they say, there is no cheese at the end of that tunnel.

If you have adult children visiting, and they see you infrequently, you might consider asking if you can set some time aside while they are there to have an open discussion about your future. Or at the very least, ask if you can schedule a zoom call for the near future with any other family members who should be included.  Far too often families don’t discuss this, and seniors don’t tell their “kids” what their wishes are. I like to encourage families to begin conversations early, long before a crisis, and even before full retirement!!

I am not talking about end of life wishes, I am talking about a plan that should maximize your independence over time. If you want to stay in your home as you get older, what modifications can you make now, long before a crisis? If moving closer to them is an option, start exploring timing and options. Consider scheduling visits to various retirement communities with them or on your next visit to their home. Many communities have long wait lists, and some Life Care communities can have 5-6 year wait lists!  I like to remind people that getting on a wait list does not mean you’re moving! But it gives you the option if you choose to in a few years. All of this contributes to your plan to age successfully…and this requires lots of communication and willingness to explore what might work for everyone. Sometimes it takes years to develop a plan, and, in my experience, adult kids are very willing and even relieved if you bring this up!

If they express worry and concern for you, try not to get defensive. I know someone who stopped speaking to her son over his wish to bring help into her home after she experienced serious falls and hospitalizations.  Ask yourself if their worries are legitimate? Maybe it would be a good idea to accept some extra help!  In my observations, those who refuse assistance find themselves having to move out of their home sooner than if they had some help in their home!  If I could wave a magic wand, I would want people to see that sometimes accepting help actually helps them maintain their independence longer.

Aging gracefully and aging successfully does not mean you won’t need help…either now or in the future. Who can say they are totally independent anyway? We ALL depend on others for so many things in our life. I see aging well as a continuum of providing or needing help over our entire lifespan.

Try to practice resilience and flexibility as your life changes. Become a realistic optimist! Make your “Plan A,” keep working on your “Plan B and C,” and make changes when needed. If you want to be the one making your own decisions, become proactive, share your ideas with your family, and have those holiday discussions!

So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and peace and joy no matter what you celebrate!

UPCOMING EVENTS: (all are invited!)

January 15 at 6pm:

Join me at the new LYNX bookstore,

601 South Main St.

If you have not visited Gainesville author Lauren Groff’s new bookstore, please come to this event and support your local independent bookstore and support me! Here is a link about the event: https://thelynxbooks.com/events/1515320250115

FYI: CCOA

If you want to get on the email list for information about the CCOA (Community Coalition of Older Adults) let me know, since I am co-chair. We meet via zoom the first Friday of the month.  The CCOA also sponsors the in-person Civics Classes and the Community Interest programs held at the Alachua County Senior Center.  Membership is free, open to anyone interested in issues affecting seniors, senior health and wellbeing.

Star Bradbury

Senior Living Strategies

Author “Successfully Navigating Your Parents’ Senior Years”